The Incredible Hulk: Patterns (1981) – Marvel SUPERHERO TV SHOW REVIEW

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By Geno McGahee

I am so sick of these people saying that there are no jobs out there. Look at David Banner (Bill Bixby). He is out there every week with a new job and he’s not afraid to try something new. He has that much confidence in his ability to learn. In the episode “PATTERNS”, David finds a job working for a clothing design and supply company and he seems to really enjoy the work. Solly (Joshua Shelley) supervises David as he works and noted that he had “good hands.” When a dude tells me I have good hands, that’s my tip to quit the job immediately. I don’t want him telling me what I could do with my good hands.

After a hard day of work, David is called into the office of the owner, Sam (Eddie Barth), and for some reason, David is wearing a white mini-skirt. I’m thinking that he was forced into it. If you want the job, you will dress sexy! That was probably what he was told, but it’s sad to see such an educated kind man reduced to a slut whore.

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In the office, Sam is arguing with Marvin (Larry Marko) over some money due as Sam’s daughter, Liz (Laurie Heineman), watches on. Sam owes the dude six months worth of money and he’s acting as if it’s nothing. At one point, he tells poor Marvin to basically shove it up his ass and then tells David to “show him the door.” Never afraid to get into the business of others, David talks to Marvin and tells him of the upcoming fashion show that they are putting on and that they would gladly pay up once the show made money. Marvin is cool now, but I wouldn’t be. Sam has been fucking him in the ass for six months and when he comes to collect, he’s being nice until Sam tells him to bend over and take it hard. Now, he’s got this guy in a white mini-skirt telling him that he’ll get paid? One thing in life that I have learned….never trust a dude dressed like a slut.

When David leaves the office, Sam starts singing his praises and is trying to get his daughter involved with him, nothing that he’s a “good-looking guy.” Maybe Sam swung that way. Perhaps he wanted David for himself. Sam was later proved a horn dog as he walked out to flirt with his crew, especially poor Esther. He walks up to her and makes kissy faces and then calls her “honey.” Now, these employees of his probably were making minimum wage. If you’re going to be sexually harassed, it should be for top dollar.

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After that #metoo moment, Sam walks up to Steve, who looks like a creep. I’m guessing that he took some employees from a work release program for sex offenders. I swear I would not allow Steve around animals or children, but he was aces in Sam’s book. When Steve walks away, Sam offers David a promotion to become his “right hand.” Well, I’m sure I would not want the job that Sam’s right hand does, especially at night when skinamax is on the TV, but David wants to see how it will pan out. He knew that if Sam shoved his right hand into his pants, he would just hulk up and ram Sam with his green salami.

So we know that Sam is a jerk, a sexual predator and we also find out that he isn’t paying his employees, but it even gets worse. He borrows 15 grand from mobsters at 33% interest and then tells them that if they don’t get the money, they can take it out on his “partner”, David. What a scumbag thing to do to poor David. Like he doesn’t have enough trouble already. He doesn’t get laid. He lost his good job. He’s wanted for murder. He has Jack McGee up his ass weekly. Now, he is on the hook against the mob because this one asshole has no care for anyone but himself? What bullshit.

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Things get worse when Mr. Cox (Beans Morocco) shows up to tell Sam that they are no longer accepting his product. It turns out that nobody is buying the shit and that they are done dealing with him. Sam begged and pleaded, doing everything short of sucking Cox’s cock, but it was all for not. Now, he can’t afford the first payment to the mob and David is going to find out the hard way that he is involved. Can’t poor David go one week without getting his ass handed to him? Can’t he just have a normal week? I would like to see an episode where David sits in front of a TV set, watching my 600 pound life, and saying “fat slobs should be shot” while downing beers and jacking off. It would give a new dimension to the character…as a fat shamer.

The mobster jump David and we get the Hulk about 27 minutes into the show. The story was interesting enough to not need the Hulk, but it was nice to see him and he did not take too kindly to the mobsters beating his ass when he was Banner. The Hulk was in a strange mood here. Sure, he was fucking ripshit at the bad guys, but he had a smile on his face part of the time. He was really enjoying beating their asses.

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Hulk finds a mannequin and gets confused and then sees a sewing machine and is confused again, but we didn’t get the normal wannabe comic relief that we see in so many other episodes. Usually, they’d have some annoying guy that works there, wearing headphones so he couldn’t hear the ruckus, walk out dancing and see the Hulk, look him up and down and say something like “your pants need to be hemmed mister.” I’m so happy they left that shit out of this. It was NEVER funny and it always pisses me off and as one of the biggest fans of the series, you don’t want to lose me now. Then again, it’s been off the air for 35 or so years. They probably don’t give a fuck if I like it or not.

When the dust settles, Sam insists that nobody call the police and even smugly says “nobody got hurt.” What about David? He had his ass handed to him. Of course, Sam knows who did it and why and don’t want to get them more pissed off at him…but what about poor David? Sam turns into an even bigger asshole cock when his daughter says she doesn’t want to be involved in the business anymore. He says “who needs her”, as she walks away and tells David “What does she know” when he suggests that he makes Liz a partner. Sam is a total asshole but this episode is pushing hard for people to like him. Fuck him. Fuck Sam.

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The mobsters hire some white trash guy to burn down the office as the team is away at the big fashion show, but when they forget a suit, Liz runs back and gets locked into a room by the redneck hillbilly bad guy. To all offended by terms like “white trash”, “redneck”, or “hillbilly,” please fuck off. Anyway, in a surprise moment, Liz screams “open this damn door!” I don’t think I ever heard anyone say “damn” in a Hulk episode. Damn is small potatoes today, but back then, it was probably big news. It may have even been bigger news than a nip slip on Wonder Woman. Still haven’t found one, but as I go frame by frame, I’m sure I will. I’m not a quitter.

Sam gets beaten just a smidge by the bad guys before the Hulk shows up to save the day. He beats their asses and goes and saves Liz, leading to a happy conclusion with everyone standing there in great moods. I have a question though. What happened to the mob? They are still owed over 15k and I don’t think they were paid. I would also think that they would up the price to at least double for the green guy being involved and the white trash guy costing some money too. Did they just walk away? I think not. I’m guessing that after David left the city and moved on, Sam was murdered by the mob and his place was burned down. I have no sympathy.

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PATTERNS is a decent episode, but I have my issues with it. Sam should have never been seen as an OK guy at the end. Banner even shook his hand and gave him a warm smile before taking off. Sam should have been killed in this one and Liz should have dated Banner. With all the pants he ripped through, having a fashion designer girlfriend makes all the sense in the world. Who knows, through necessity, she may have invented jeggings.

I recommend this episode. It was decent. Not a lot of Hulk, but the story was strong enough not to really need it that much.

Rating: 7/10