The Incredible Hulk: No Escape (1979) – Marvel SUPERHERO TV SHOW REVIEW

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By Geno McGahee

I feel bad for David Banner (Bill Bixby). He’s always looking for work and he’s always working, but there are times when he is between jobs and he still needs to eat. Now, Banner isn’t the sort of guy that would even consider going on welfare. No. He will go out there and figure that shit out. He ends up at the beach and he’s minding his own business when two cops arrest him for vagrancy. He gets loaded into the police van with Tom Wallace (James Wainwright), an escaped mental patient. Is this normal police procedure? Do they typically just put people together regardless of the crime? I’d like to think a shoplifter and some guy that raped ten horses would be placed in different police vehicles. Why is a vagrancy guy getting locked up with a dangerous mental patient? Cops…

Inside the police van, Tom is proving to be bat shit crazy and Banner wants out. Eventually, Banner gets pushed too far and hulks up and that is not what a crazy person should see. Tom is hallucinating as it is, but now he’s seeing some green monster raise hell and I have to say that this is probably the most pissed off that I’ve seen the Hulk. What was it about Tom that pissed him off so? Perhaps it was the fact that Banner didn’t have a job and was collecting cans to get cash and being a trained doctor, he is above that. Who knows, but whatever the case, this is the first time that I’ve seen the Hulk try to kill somebody. He flips over the vehicle with Tom in it and then shoulder blocks two cops, launching them into the air. I guess the Hulk was sick of being targeted because he was green.

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During the escape, the Hulk enters a laundry mat where two young boys are sitting around. One is only wearing a towel. Now, here comes the Hulk with his pants unbuttoned and no shirt. The kids must have been warned about creepy uncles and hauled ass. Once again, the Hulk shows his bad attitude here when he gets enraged at a dryer. Perhaps he thinks that drying clothing should be free, but he destroyed a perfectly good dryer out of rage. He needs to calm the fuck down.

Once again, Banner cannot mind his own business. He knows Tom is crazy and has plans to kill his wife and doctor. Banner visits Kay (Mariclare Costello), Tom’s loving wife, and tries to warn her and she is very receptive. She was just glad it wasn’t a reporter. As Banner sits there, that pain in the ass prick, Jack McGee (Jack Colvin) shows up because he heard of the Hulk sighting. Why didn’t Banner plant Hulk sightings in other states or countries? Send that weasel to the UK or something, rather than constantly being up his ass at every turn. Banner sees McGee standing there and runs away, which still baffles me. He could have gone outside and met him, got pissed, Hulked up, and then corn-holed McGee like there’s no tomorrow. If he knows that rape might be part of the experience if he meets the Hulk, I don’t think McGee would be that eager to investigate anymore.

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As Banner is trying to figure shit out, Tom goes to see his life partner, Robert, played by Sherman Hemsley, of THE JEFFERSONS fame. What a weird relationship this is. Robert is waiting for Tom to write a great book and take care of him financially. Robert don’t need him…he owns 7 dry cleaners. Holy shit. I bet that the laundry mat that Hulk fucked up was owned by George Jefferson. This is a crossover episode…kind of. Now Tom thinks that he is Ernest Hemingway, which is part of his delusion and Robert is feeding into and calling him “Papa.” You NEVER call another man Papa unless you plan to suck him off. End of story. End of discussion. End of sucking him off.

Banner finds George Jefferson and tries to convince him to go back to Weezy, but he’s happier with Tom. I never found Weezy remotely attractive or Florence for that matter. Why would a rich guy surround himself with so many ugly chicks? And now he’s carrying on with some crazy dude that wants to be called “Papa.” You’re not really moving on up bitch.

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There’s not a great deal of Hulk in this one. The only time we really see him outside of a couple outbursts is in the hallucinations of Tom. He also sees stampeding elephants and other strange things. Hulk should have done the world a favor and taken this guy and ripped both of his arms of and beat him to death with them. The Hulk fights for good and this guy was a danger to the community. Banner is too busy trying to help people. That’s his problem. He’s as calm as can be by nature…unless he’s changing a tire and it doesn’ t go right. Then he gets ripshit. Banner is a nice guy but he could benefit from an anger management class.

One thing I want to bring up too is a missed opportunity. Banner is walking on the boardwalk and some old douche bag is reading a newspaper. For a moment Banner looks over his shoulder and the guy shoves the paper in David’s face and then says “can’t you afford your own paper”. Well, asshole, if Banner wasn’t so fucked by being the Hulk, he would have money falling out of his ass in his trained profession. He could buy all the papers in the world and your mother. Fuck you. The newspaper was all fucked up too. The two writers, Earl Hayes and Carl Beonde should be fired. Their article makes ZERO sense. Maybe that’s why the guy was such a dick to banner. He got fucked.

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Banner tries to convince Robert that Tom is sick and needs to be stopped, but he keeps on insisting that he’s going to get rich when the book is written and he’s not going to stop his gravy train. Banner looks at Robert with that look that screams “I got your gravy. Bend over.” Tom shows up and the trio goes out to do some target practice. Banner does his best to get Tom back to reality but it’s not working and Robert just seems so happy that he has a friend. He seems happier then when Florence had a nip slip.

So, Tom takes his ex-wife and doctor hostage on a boat and Banner shows up…of course he does. He can’t mind his own business, ever. The cops surround and that asshole prick, Jack McGee, shows up. When Tom lets the people go, Banner can’t leave because McGee is watching the boat like a hawk. One last tussle and one last Hulk transformation and the day is saved, but not for the cops. Hulk apparently really hates the police. He had the straight shot to leave, but opts to take a boat and toss it at the police, severely injuring two of them. Hulk mad. Hulk hates cops.

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NO ESCAPE is a fair episode. It gets extra points for having George Jefferson in it and even more points that he calls Tom “Papa.” There would be even more points if Weezy showed up and screamed “you’d better not be sucking him off George!” Unless it’s in a deleted scene, it didn’t happen. Overall, there isn’t enough fun factor in this one and it’s not interesting enough to really keep you glued to the screen. I liked it, but I like most Hulk episodes….except that fucking magician one. Hate that one with a passion.

This is a take or leave episode…I was sort of disturbed by the scene with the young boys and Hulk at the laundry mat. Hulk is a beast. He should not be allowed around anyone, especially kids. If you watch the Hulk when he comes through, he violently throws the ripped shirt on the ground. If he got mad at his pants, everyone would see that huge green dick he has. I’m guessing it’s large. I wouldn’t make sense to have a small Hulk dick. Call Stan Lee. He might know.

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Rating: 6/10

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