The Incredible Hulk: Captive Night (1979) – Marvel SUPERHERO TV SHOW REVIEW

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By Geno McGahee

David Banner (Bill Bixby) continues to work whatever job that he can get. I totally respect that. He’s not like these people that just sit home and collect a check. Despite his problems, he is out there and he is working. He will take any job and that is the case in the episode “CAPTIVE NIGHT.” Banner starts working as a stock clerk at Slaters, a department store, and he likes the job it seems. He may just like the job because he’s working with another hot chick named Karen (Anne Lockhart). They do get along very well and they both hate the boss, Mr. Edwards (Dennis Holahan). They poke fun at him behind his back and I’m not sure if Banner is doing that because he thinks Edwards is a cock or if he’s just trying to impress Karen. Guys do that.

As always, Banner does a great job. He found some discrepancies with the pricing of the clothing and intends on working over to fix it. Unfortunately, Edwards is a complete dick and he thinks that Banner is lying and is just trying to get that overtime pay. Department stores pay their people shit anyway and they usually have some asshole cocksucker running the show. Let Banner get that time and a half you prick!

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Edwards also thinks that Banner may be stealing from the store and has the old security guard, Raymond (Parley Baer), keep an eye on him. At first, Raymond didn’t like the idea of spying on his friend, but like most elderly people, they are desperate for a purpose. I’ve found elderly people in the workforce to be the biggest pain in the ass, especially when they have power, and this mental midget, Raymond is given a gun and authority. Not good. Even though he has a job to do, Karen walks over and tells him to take a hike and that she would watch David. She says she’d scream if she sees anything and that he would “hear her all the way in lady’s lingerie.” What the fuck was Raymond doing in lady’s lingerie? He doesn’t look like the lacy thong sort of guy. I hope not. Old people in thongs give me the creeps.

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On top of watching David and keeping Raymond out of the thongs, Karen has to deal with Mr. Edwards. He teases her with a raise but makes it known that she would have to sleep with him to get it. Once again, this is a department store and what could she possibly be offered? 25 cents more an hour? That’s not worth sucking that guy off. How dare he expect such things. He would also note that he offered David a promotion and he turned it down. I wonder why? Maybe David didn’t want to suck his dick either. The Hulk might experiment but he would never take a cock in the mouth for a nickel more an hour.

As always, something bad has to happen in a Hulk episode. And no, Hulk didn’t take a cock in the mouth for a nickel more an hour. Gary (Stanley Kamel) and his recently released brother, Jim (Paul Picerni), are planning a big hit on the store. They are going to rob the safe and Gary, since he’s worked there, knows how to make it happen. Unfortunately, he was unaware that they put in a huge wall safe and has no clue how to get to the money. Security guard, Raymond, can’t shut the fuck up and gets a punch in the gut for his troubles. I’m all for it. Call me a hater. Whatever. If an old person mouths off during a robbery, they’re gonna get a punch in the bread basket. If you’re elderly and reading this, be warned.

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The bad guys lock Banner in an elevator shaft, but the elevator crashes on him, turning him into the Hulk. This is when the episode starts to suck. Putting the Hulk in a department store could be interesting. He could fuck shit up and it would be fun, but they didn’t go that direction at all. He sees a green mannequin and wants to fuck it. He gets mad when he finds out that the mannequin is harder than he is and throws it down. He then makes his way into the toy section and some tank shoots a little projectile at him. He gets pissed off again and smashes it. During this time, the musical score is so annoying and telling the viewer, “This is funny, isn’t it?” The Hulk is NOT funny. The Hulk is a pissed off green fuck that has no interest in fucking mannequins…unless he saw that movie MANNEQUIN, which is possible, I guess.

Hulk turns back to Banner, but at least this time, he’s at a department store and can quickly put on clothing, rather than roaming around naked. He goes to negotiate with the bad guys and pretends to want in on the heist. That asshole prick security guard starts admonishing David. Like he needs that? He goes through hell every week and now he’s trying to save the day only to have this wrinkled up prick up his ass. This would be a great time for Banner to Hulk up and rip out Raymond’s heart and shove it up his ass. If I had the power of the Hulk, there would be plenty of hearts up asses.

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The plan, in the end, is to lock David, Raymond and Karen in the safe and let them suffocate to death. Bad move. Hulk punches he hand through and knocks the safe door off the wall. He chases down Jim and they fight near a weight set. Jim struggles with 20 pounds or so, but lifts it up and tosses it at the Hulk, hitting his green tit full force. I bet Banner wakes up with a bruise on his tit. Hulk returns the favor and then that asshole Raymond pulls a gun on Hulk. What an ungrateful old fuck. This was another missed opportunity for Hulk. He could have ran over and beat that old guy to death. Hulk was already horny from the mannequin. The possibilities of what he could have done with that old fuck are endless.

CAPTIVE NIGHT had so much potential but threw a lot of it away with the meaningless and unfunny filler that is not reflective of the Hulk character. Hulk should not be coming onto a mannequin. He should just be a kick ass machine and they lose that idea a lot of the time. It’s probably too many cooks in the kitchen. Some asshole that’s related to the owner of the station says “I got a great idea. Let’s have a green mannequin that he’s attracted to.” It sucks but they have to go with it.

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I guess I recommend this one, but fast forward through the stupid shit.

Rating: 5.5/10

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