By Dash Jordan
Hello there, people. How’s it going? That’s great! Here’s the thing…I was hoping that I could start with something easy. That no matter what the film may be for my very first review, I could try to remain professional. After all, first impressions are everything. So…How’s this for first friggin’ impressions?
Yeah, I think it’s safe to say that all professionalism and seriousness be damned at this point.
Why? Just…why?!? Why couldn’t I start off with a film that’s easy? No, why couldn’t I have just picked a film that was a film? Better yet, why must my first review include Kung-Fu Nazis, Vikings with Machine Guns, Time Travel with a Nintendo Power Glove, a Killer Arcade Cabinet, David Hasselhoff, and Laser Raptors? No, I am not high. Good God, I wish I was! Laser Raptors! LASER…RAPTORS?!?
David Sandberg…you had me at Kung-Fu Nazis. Boy, do I wish that didn’t sound so wrong. However, if getting my mind and testicles simultaneously blown by Kung-Fu Nazis and friggin’ Laser Raptors is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
Yeah, I figured you didn’t believe me. Sorry.
Now, back to business. ‘Kung Fury’ is a crowd-funded short film from Sweden with a budget of over $600,000, directed and written by David Sandberg who also stars as the titular protagonist. Released in May 22th of this year for the 2015 Cannes Film Festival and in May 28th on television for Robert Rodriguez’s El Rey Network, the film has already earned many positive reviews from many critics and has also gained an ever-growing cult following. Yet, no one has told me about this? No one! Not even a thing about the film’s production, I would’ve donated. Maybe the little money I would’ve had could’ve gone to at least one more Laser Raptor. Have you ever thought of that, people? We seriously need to work on our communication.
As far as the plot goes…all over the place! Mainly the 80s! Kung Fury was a Miami Policeman who was struck by lightning AND bitten by a cobra which turned him into ‘The Chosen One’, a super-powered Martial Arts master. No, I can assure you The Wachowski Starship has nothing to do with the script. Kung Fury fights waves of bad guys, travels to the Viking Age and back, does battle with Adolf Hitler a.k.a Kung Führer and do I really need to say more? Bottom line, when it comes to cult films, you don’t get any more cult than this. Pass the poisoned Kool-Aid and take me to Jonestown. By the way, did I mention David Hasselhoff?
The film is not without its flaws, however. There are in fact two things that took me out of enjoying this movie to its fullest. Firstly, why aren’t there more Laser Raptors? I’m sorry, I just can’t let that go! You know I also take requests for future reviews, right guys? Here’s your homework, find me another movie with Laser Raptors! Lastly, what’s with the 31-minute run time? I understand that it’s a short film, but I’d say a film of this magnitude deserves a good 200-minutes. Why, that’s just about the exact run time of ‘Return Of The King’, isn’t it? Yeah, make it 215-minutes. Sorry, Frodo.
Now that I’ve angered an entire fan base on my first day, let’s continue.
I was debating whether or not I should just post the whole movie on this blog since you could simply watch it on YouTube. But no, Laser Unicorns, the creators of this instant cult masterpiece deserves your unbridled attention. But don’t just stop there, buy the movie. Please, these people worked really hard on this movie. I know it is On Demand as well. If there’s a physical copy or if they’re making one, buy that. It’s a movie you have to see to believe, it’s the perfect ‘so bad, it’s good’ movie, 10 out of 10, A+, thumbs up and I’m sorry…is Frodo’s face really that distracting? Well, if it’s any consolation…Christopher Lee is not really dead, he was just getting bored of Earth and decided to go back to his home planet.
You see? He’s happy and satisfied. You wanna know something else? HIS HOME PLANET PROBABLY HAS LASER RAPTORS!!!
Rating: 10/10