By Andrew Bard
I spy with my little eye something that fucking sucked.
Warning I will be laying the spoilers down so hard you would think I dropping napalm while blaring flight of the Valkyrie. Now where do I begin with this blizzard of rage that was building up to form a furious juggernaut? I know, I’ll start with Paul Feig who I feel is quite literally the worst, pathetic, tired, dried up excuse for an actor turned director that has ever shamed the face of the planet. Ben Affleck for being the semen run off of forced anal sex performed on a farm animal of an actor is in fact a pretty solid director.
There are countless other actor/directors out there that deserve both titles and have earned them with their incredible talent but Paul Feig is not one of those directors he is in fact the equivalent of listening to Gilbert Gottfried pass a kidney stone and Kathy Griffen enduring a natural birth at the same fucking time. He is the industries very own Ephialtes from 300. You know the deformed hunchback who wasn’t good enough so he decided to stick it to everyone else by creating garbage (Basically the same plot right?). But enough about this abomination of a person lets move on to the film.
The writer/director of this shit infused afterbirth is notorious for writing what he considers strong female leads when in reality he’s really just using women at the butt of his jokes, predominantly the incredibly talented Melissa McCarthy who he must have brainwashed and convinced that he was the fucking 2nd coming of Christ to get her to sign on to all of his wretched films or maybe it’s blackmail I don’t know but its a sad state of affairs.
The film is about A CIA analyst (Basically “real spy” tech support) insists to go undercover because her brooding crush/spy gets shot. So she infiltrates the world of a deadly arms dealer to stop a diabolical global disaster. Sounds pretty solid right? Yeah well fuck that shit.
This movie starts out with Jude Law who plays Bradley Fine and despite his best efforts sounds like a turd trying to master an American accent and Melissa McCarthy taking on the role of the, you guessed it overweight sidekick Susan Cooper. Blah blah straight away bad jokes with these analysts having to work in subhuman conditions where bats and rodents infest their workspace because the CIA would totally let that shit happen. Hey lets make this funny somehow by showing major security and equipment failures by making our techies work in these conditions because, jokes… So long story short its basically a rip off scene of True Lies only without it being good, Fine tools around, gets ambushed and shot while Cooper watches in horror.
Next scene we are introduced to Jason Statham who plays Rick Ford, finally! This guy isn’t the best actor but he can hold his own, he’s an action hero he’s going to help kick right? Fuck me, no?!?!? He’s basically there through the entire film to be the idiotic headstrong worst spy in the world making Johnny fucking English look competent. So after another joke at Melissa McCarthy’s expense of being the fat middle aged woman and given the identity of the cliche cat lady with all her “spy” tools being disguised as embarrassing uncalled for jokes that oh you’re overweight so of course you have hemorrhoids (Which is a medical fact).
Fast forward through mediocre filmmaking where I’m sure Paul Feig was iphoning in most of his directing while patting himself on the back looking in the mirror thinking “Man you’re funny, why aren’t more people as funny as you?”. Oh yeah just in case you were wondering yes Rose Byrne is in this film (But of course she is) where would a Paul Feig movie be without at least two cast members from Bridesmaids in it. So from this point on the film was somewhat bleh, wasn’t going to recommend it but I wouldn’t take a steaming pile of shit on it either. With all the mediocrity there was a brief moment in this film that I actually started to care about Melissa’s character. She was becoming a strong character who could stand on her own, had wits and genuinely made me smile a couple times. She decided to get rid of her cat lady identity and dressed nice and showed confidence, until however her identity was compromised then boom we get the same tired loud mouthed ignorant flurry of swearing that you would come to expect from a Paul Feig written character for Melissa McCarthy.
I know I am in no place to talk about swearing but I swear to god in the course of a 1 minute scene she drops more F bombs than an entire biker bar full up on a Saturday night with $2 drafts. It got to the point that it went from a semi endearing underdog film to utter cinematic white hot trailer trash angsty teenager who feels cool when they swear rubbish. The utter lack of self respect and dignity Paul had while making this film is only comparable to a down and out meth addicted whore covered in their own piss stained clothes stinking of body odor pall mall 100s and the stale aroma of a convoluted melting pot of men’s cologne trying to turn tricks outside a $5 all you can eat buffet. Calling himself a male feminist and a comedic writer who makes relatable characters is so far off base with this film its pathetic.
Oh and because of that lets not leave out the cliche horny rapist Italian guy who is just flirty because in Italy men flirt but dry humping and trying to suck your ear off your head right Paul? But wait you’re telling me there’s more? Absolutely there is. To stay relevant there’s a cameo of a famous hip hop artist to surely draw in the younger crowd can you guess who it is? That’s right its 50cent! 50 god damned cent! Aww yeah nothing says drawing in a crowd like using an irrelevant “rapper” to show just how irrelevant and outdated you are as a writer. From this point on this newly redesigned shit stained character Susan Cooper goes on rant after rant for the sole purpose of seeing how many times fuck can be said in one sentence. I mean watching two diseased infested open sore animals having sex while attempting to eat one another would be a blessing compared to this abomination. I would rather have stray cats do battle over who gets to eat the aborted fetus from the dumpster outside senior prom on top of my naked body then to finish watching this film because I am being filled with such white hot fury its becoming unbearable to the point that ripping off my own dick and burying firmly in my own ass would be a more pleasurable experience than this cesspool of a film but I must endure!
Wait what? All that insane loud mouth crap with her swearing just stopped? Huh did Paul Feig lose a bet or did he just decide to take an entire films worth of swearing and fill a 3rd of the movie with it instead of spreading it out. Oh no Fine is alive and working with Rayna the evil woman arms dealer tell me it ain’t so!!! Oh but its okay because he’s super super deep under cover and after Susan and walking jizz stain Matthew Wright (the talking Italian penis) are captured he goes in to tell her he’s still a good guy. WHAT? Are we sure M. Night Shyamalan didn’t secretly write this and give it to Feig and he was all like yeah I love it but let’s throw a disgusting amount of insulting cliches with a pinch of cluelessness with 8,700 swears and Shyamalan was like sure.
Ready for the climatic ending to this train wreck? So they good guys get away Susan chases the big bad guy and hangs on the bottom of his chopper where she becomes a magician because in every wide shot she loses weight then somehow climbs into the chopper confronts the bad guy flying the chopper he grabs her stupid god damned cup cake necklace that Fine gave her in the beginning of the film, you know because she’s fat and the audience needs to see yet another fucked up insult towards the lead actress who again I will say I’m convinced that Paul Feig has her family locked away in a jigsaw like trap and forced into doing these maggot filled corpses he calls movies. So De Luca (Big bad guy) dies from falling from a chopper.
Everybody all of a sudden is like Oh Susan you have earned our respect but she’s all like yeah fuck off I know I’m the shit I don’t need to feel validated because this is her moment until her boss gives her another mission where, yup you guessed it she has another tired old cliche idiotic identity because, reasons… So to help solidify that the character is borderline special needs Rick Ford, a spy with the CIA mind you takes a boat and goes into what he thinks is the ocean but its just a lake because that’s how stupid you can be to get into the CIA everyone, you can have the deduction and reasoning skills as a high school dropout.
To end I would say that if I had to choose from watching this movie again or be forced at gunpoint to masturbate furiously and finish while watching the golden girls I would choose the latter. No amount of creative heinous disgusting torture the top deranged minds at the CIA, the real one not this insult could not create a better torture device. Lock someone in a room and force them to watch this on repeat and they will surly shit themselves bloody, their internal organs would liquefy by their own free will and seep out through their asshole making them die a slow painful death.
Though its not the worst movie out there it is by far a dried up jerky hard cock of a film made by someone with a far higher opinion of themselves than they’re actually worth and his ultra contradictory attitude claiming to give women strong roles them produce filth like this doesn’t match up. The sad thing is no matter what I say about this it has been proven much like his other morning after a taco bell bing shit films he is clearly doing a good job fooling the general public that he really is a creative entertainer or is it that our society has falling so far from seeking films with depth that this hack who was himself the butt of many jokes on the shit show Sabrina the teenage witch been deemed legitimate talent?
Anyway I give this film a solid 2.5 out of 5 for the sole purpose that Melissa McCarthy did a great job acting and took this shitty script and worked it, she showed some range as a meek person to a “Strong” woman though I am still scratching my head trying to figure out why swearing like a crack whore pirate makes a woman stronger. This film sends an absolute shit message that tells people in order to be a strong female you have to be a vulgar, loud mouthed bully. Good message to younger girls who need strong positive women to look up to you fucking asshole. But hey Paul Feig and his zombified army will be marching for a few more years now so I guess its time to buckle in and wait this low point in cinema out. If you want to watch a decent film of a female federal agent who goes undercover to stop a terrorist attack watch Miss Congeniality. That movie was funny, showed a real strong female character and didn’t have a script making the lead actress sound like an unintelligent troll.
